Living in pain is like being pinned under a dark sky without any light. It alters the terrain of your life, causing you to question everything about your existence. It is something I have “Fought” since I was young. It started with emotional abuse and it carried itself through years of physical and emotional trauma and betrayal. Soon it became a dance that I did, from sun-up to sundown and sometimes all night too. It bled over into every part of my life. I had no reserves to stay calm with the puppy eating my favorite boot, or my husband not doing what he said he would do. If a person was driving recklessly around me I went off. It became days of reliving my husband’s infidelity, my mothers cold indifference, my friends betrayal and silence. The church who kicked me out for worshiping differently. The neighbors who sprayed chemicals and smoked cigarettes and ignored me when I waved hello. The car accidents that broke my neck, the friends who never call anymore. Having to go to a DR every week for 20 years. The unfairness of that, the election and the results. The bullying on the internet, the lies, the manipulation. I am DONE. Fighting doesn’t work anymore. I used to think the protests, the conversations, the education would cause change. I used to think if I spoke rationally in a low tone, with kind and good intentions my voice would be heard. That people would learn from my pain and change their ways. I have finally understood a fundamental truth. Sometimes Nothing works and sometimes you have to let go. You have to move past whatever is hurting you and allow yourself to grieve. You have to find a space of reason and sanity and close the door for a while. I am in a place of changing the terrain of my brain and my heart. I am feeding it new ideas and new colors. A decision of joy over the old record of angst. A decision of peace, over the knee jerk of trying to change something or someone. I can’t change anything. not the election, not the indifference, not the bullying, not the judgment, not the silence, not the rejection, not the physical habits of others that creates my pain. I can change my world. My home can become one of peace and color. I can choose calm and ease and I am doing so. I am changing the roads I drive down, the paths I walk. I am choosing to use my left hand instead of my right.I am choosing to laugh, I am choosing to eat from the good china. I am choosing to NOTICE everything that is true and lovely and good…..and I am thinking on those things. I am learning how to accept the things I cannot change and to be my own friend and to believe in a better future. I am choosing to reclaim my life again, one decision at a time.